“When all your faith in reality fades away
Who will you follow?

Are we alone now?
I can’t find the way out
Keep waking in the same fever dream
A cure for desire
We’re playin’ with fire
We’re drawn to light
We’re broken and blinded by it
We’re dying for release
If all this fear was born in my mind
I gave you everything you’ll ever be

—
I feel the changes
A crack in the matrix
Break through the lies like an axe through the screen
You can’t stop desire
We are the fire
Wake up to the madness
The rats in the wall are already coming through
Lift this twisted veil from our eyes
Forever and ever”

I hope you know I’m right here.

“I’m biting my tongue
You’re biting your nails
Uncomfortable silence
Down to a science
I wish I was numb
You make it look easy
Losing your person
Emotional surgeon
I thought we’d go it together
Two birds of a feather
Did we fly too close to the sun

Now when I turn off the lights, I feel your hands in my hair
All I see in my closet are the clothes you would wear
When I order takeout, I still order for two
When I look in the mirror all that I see is you
Cause losing your love is like I’m losing a leg
I see that your gone and all that’s left, all that’s left is phantom pain
Take all my love, a thief in the night
Habitually heartless, just me and the darkness
I wish I was numb like you
Then maybe this would be easy
Cause I would give you the air out my lungs”

“‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You’ve gone away
You don’t feel me here anymore”

July 2003.

The person who finds these lyrics will remember and know.

“Digging deeper in my mind, can’t get you out of my head
There’s no way to describe, just how you make me feel
I don’t know is it love, I have lost control
Even when I’m gone, I can’t get away

I can’t focus, when I’m near you
Do you notice, me at all?
I can’t focus, when I hear you
Do you notice, that I can’t focus?”

I used to post about my life on here … since 2005.

I wanted to document more since 2020 but life got busy, as it is and continues to be.

I loved posting on here but then so much altered my reality, my perspective, and has caused me to be reluctant to share but I’m trying to get back to ME.

Having someone you loved with everything you had walk away is beyond soul crushing. I was barely holding on. 2022 brought so many insane things that I just fought to grasp it. In 2022, I juggled all my children, including feeding preemie twins alone– with my oldest daughters help some. I’m not complaining, I just never imagined life would be this way. I had to use all my energy just to survive and then I still had to make tons of decisions while making sure all 5 of my babies were okay.

My brain was so overloaded. I found rest a little once I had my own place in late 2022. Taking care of twin babies mostly solo will take up most of your time and energy. I hate that I didn’t have the umpf to post here about all the details, like I usually would. Memories not written down. I don’t feel the same about a lot of things anymore.

Fast forward and life is so different now. 2020 VS 2026 is nothing like what my life was. Life can be so, so cruel but life can be beautiful too. I’ve experienced both sides and I’m still thankful for everything Heavenly Father has given me.

2019 I lost my mom. My reality was altered.
2020 The world changed with covid… certainly was interesting
2021 I went from married to divorced in less than 6 months and it wasn’t my choice. And apparently I’m still the problem. When he’ll never ever know what our family meant to me. What he meant to me. The deep ache that never goes away. How I would have fought for us till the end of everything. IDK when it won’t impact me.
2022 I trusted someone that I should not have but I tried to see the good and paid the price. Ended up homeless with 5 kids and had to dig my way up and through it all but God never left me.
2023-2024 More battles and juggling 5 kids but have had an amazing man to be there for me.

2025 has been wretched. My mother in law and her 2 adult children are gone and it was a brutal way. INSANE things are happening and I can only try to prepare for what might be ahead. Trusting in my Heavenly Father.

“don’t you dare surrender.. don’t leave me here without you
cause I…. could never replace your perfect imperfection”

IDK how to feel anymore.

So many crazy things have happened that this doesn’t feel like reality anymore.

And I’m mostly sad.

Yet I keep going and keep trying.
I wish things were different but they are not.

I’ll just stay close to God. He knows the way.
I am just an imperfect human who is stumbling through this world.

I’m tired.

What have I learned since 2021?…

1. If your S/O isn’t wanting to talk/connect/spend time with you over time then It needs to be talked about. It’s so important to meet on the same page and work through things together, good or bad. If you don’t wanna be with that person, it’s time to speak up so you both can figure it out. Otherwise, you end up destroying someone emotionally. It happened to me.
2. For the love of God, do not trust a still married man, who claims they are going to get a divorce, talk you into overstepping your own boundaries. People will tell you exactly what you want to hear.
3. Do not trust someone so easily or think you “know” someone just because you knew them a long time ago.
4. When people show you who they are believe them!!!!!!!!
5. Expectations will break your own heart. Over and over and over.
6. Rely on God and hold onto faith.
7. Take time to get to know someone before you give your all to them because you need to see If this person will still be around or make space for you in their life or not.
8. No matter what you try to do/say/think and even If you love this person with your entire existence and heart… it will not matter If they do not feel the same and love you back.
9. Never love someone so much that you end up disrespecting yourself, esp not again and again.
10. Don’t say It won’t happen to you.
11. Don’t judge people’s choices when you don’t see the choices they had.
12. People can change on you instantly and walk away like your life together didn’t happen.
13. Work on yourself and your traumas so that you don’t end up destroying your relationships.
14. That life can really, really, really, really suck.
15. That life gets better, eventually.
16. Some people are impossible to have decent conversations with because they constantly criticize and blame someone else to avoid accountability.
17. There are still good, honest men out there. Even If they come into your life differently than you would ever imagine.

So, the time I posted was 2020.

It’s been almost 4 years …

2021 I became an ex-wife even though that is not what I wanted for our family.

2022 I trusted someone else to start a new life with, became pregnant with twins, lived in his wife’s house for part of 2022, only for him to change his mind, say I’m not his problem, and then I ended up homeless and scrambling by myself with all 5 of my kids, including newborn twins.

I gave birth alone for the first time. So much has impacted me since 2021, so many tears cried.

My church friends in Alabama said they would help me so in November of 2022, with the help of church people in Florida and Alabama, I moved back to the same town in Alabama my ex and I had lived when Katie was little. A lot of memories here.

For the first time in my life I have my own place. My OWN. I lost most of my belongings, things that I can never get back that were from my childhood, and things that my ex and I had bought over our almost 18 years together. Those were left behind because there was not enough room and I was out of time to leave. It still makes me sick… the rest of my stuff was left behind in Florida because again, there wasn’t enough room and a lot of it was ruined.

My life has felt like the Twilight Zone but I’m stronger than ever.

Leaning on God and relying on faith has brought every blessing I have into my life and I’m forever grateful.

Wow, it’s been too long! This whole corona and riot thing is just insane. Katie did digital learning from March 16th till the end and was sent onto 7th grade!

I’m still moving along with braces, woot! 27th made it 4 months with braces. It’s such a dream come true for me. I’m SO SO SO grateful for this opportunity. I had 4 teeth pulled like a little over a month ago and that took a while for the sockets not to be sensitive but I’m all good now. I think my expander is actually doing it’s widening job because the sides of the expander on the right side have created a pretty OUCH sore on the inside of my cheek. Y’ouch.

I really miss blogging because I like to recap the days and come back to them. So much has happened but can always begin again!! With today. I need to blog more because it helps me.. esp since I don’t have mom to talk to anymore.

We’ve been diving into potty training with Ben and so far we can get him to go pee but not the other, yet. I was so stressed when we were trying to potty train Katie 10+ years ago but am glad it’s a totally different experience now. Our Abbie girl is getting so big. She is almost 17 months.. went by too quickly, as it does. She’s getting quite a few teeth in at the same time but does really well and doesn’t fuss too much about it. She had a check up recently and is almost 22 pounds and growing just fine.

It’s closing in on almost a year since my mom passed.. it’s just still so weird. I wish I could pick up the phone and tell her about my day. I know she’s still beside me but always hard when you need that person physically with you.

Our recap for today!!! I stayed up till almost 5AM playing my favorite MMO in the whole entire universe – that I’ve been playing since 2007 – Lord of the Rings Online! I took my vitamins too late as well so I was not tired at all at like 4AM lol but was able to go to sleep. Got the kiddos up, fed, and then had my breakfast and I swear by the time I turn around it’s their lunch time. When we were done then Abbie went down for her nap while we went out into the front yard to get some sunshine for me, Katie and Ben. I had a really good time. I need out in the sun more and am hoping to get a tan. By the time we came back in it was snack time for them and a very late lunch for me then Brad came home from work! He had a 4 day holiday weekend coming up, yay! Once I ate then I fixed Abbie’s dinner so Brad could feed her while I went out to the vitamin shoppe to get some b12 vitamins and a few things from the store. I’ve been officially driving over 4 years now I could not be happier that I got my driver’s license! It is awesome to go out when I want to. I know most adults are like- duh! but I didn’t overcome my fear till late. Came home from the store then it was time for dinners and getting kiddos ready for bed. Speaking of, Katie is about to go to bed too.

I feel like my overall health is heading in the right direction, I hope. If this is your first time reading- I am hypothyroid, have major gut issues, chronic epstein-barr virus, and PCOS! B12 seems like a very big help to me so I’m gonna make sure I get enough. Taking iron over time has made lasting improvements too. It’s been a long road but I’m gonna overcome and be the fit person I wanna be, dang it!

That was my Monday! Finishing up my late snack, gonna feed our bearded dragon (his name is Yoshi and he’s awesome!), and then get ready to have RELAX time! =)
Wishing everyone a great start for Tuesday, let’s go!

P.S. I’M SO HAPPY IT’S SUMMER.