Don’t even feel like taking my Dailybooth picture tonight. I’m so angry at myself for getting myself in this health mess. I’m not even me anymore. I WANT OUT OF THIS HEALTH MESS, BUT I KEEP MAKING IT WORSE. Like today for instance. I ate too much, I ate stuff I knew would make me feel bad, etcetc. WHY?!!!! Who am I? What the hell happened to me. I don’t want this anymore. I need to get the courage to go on a juice fast again. This mess is confusing. I wish I was just having a bad day, a bad week, and would wake up tomorrow with better health. When will this hell end?!

I know my immune system needs to be balanced in able for me to get better. Waiting for hear back from the online holistic Doc I’ve had contact with. I seriously don’t recognize my life anymore, wtf.

Blah blah. Sorry to the complaining… it’s just I have been stuck in this loop of hell for far too long. I keep grasping for answers, for solutions, keep trying to hold on to hope, to faith, to SOMETHING GOOD and I always wind up back in the same anger, the same pain of the body, the same fatigue, the same mess. Is this real? Am I really living this nightmare?

Questions fill my head. Atleast I’m getting back into music and singing along to songs. Totally hooked on Tumblr too. That helps with inspiration and hope for me while dealing with this very, very difficult time in my life. The hardest, longest struggle I have ever faced that just doesn’t seem to end.

The best version of me is waiting inside. I still have a strong mind, but everything is against me right now. I can’t seem to control my food portions, and I know too much food on a weak immune system is not a good combo. Damn. Just….. damn.

What a wreck. *sigh* Where’s my sunshine? …..