I was looking forward to watching the new Biggest Loser with Brad last night, right? Well. He only watched bits and pieces of it with me – otherwise he was on his computer or getting ready to go “Ghost Hunting” with some guys from work. I wanted him to sit and watch one full episode with me but nope he eventually left to go out. I cried and watched the rest of Biggest Loser alone then eventually went to bed and cried some more. I’m a lonely wife but I don’t want to stop him from having fun but at the same time — WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!!! Is that selfish? I dunno anymore. He knew I was upset so today he sent me a text and said he was calling off going out again. He’s back to spending a lot of his time behind the computer which I knew was coming just like in the past. I’m not gonna fight with him. I’m too low — I’m too tired. I want us to be as close and as happy as we once were. We said months ago we were gonna work on proving our love to one another. Has that happened? Nope. Quite the opposite.. seems we’re drawing further away.

I honestly just don’t care today. My energy is gone and my stress is high. Where’s my happiness? Where’s the bliss, the lovey dovey feelings I used to feel all the time for EVERYTHING? It’s rare for me to laugh anymore. I really miss having a close best friend but I don’t want to sit around and whine when It’s been the same vicious cycle over and over. I’m a total robot housewife and Mom and my life has become nothing but a big constant chore and the once positive, motivated, driven, determined wife is now a lonely, low, unmotivated, disinterested person who is searching for that happiness that used to be.

I’m struggling to hold onto hope.